Personal.

As you all know, those who stumble upon this blog know that whatever I write here, are not meant to be revealed, not meant to be said, not meant to be discussed.

For whatever the intent of my past being with me, I think whatever I had just done, was just to overthink so much that I end up self-hurting myself, mentally.

No I won't go to the boundaries of physical punishment, but I feel that whatever hurt that is mental is enough hurt for one person to handle, let alone the hurt caused to me by me.

Yes, I overthink.

Which led me to think that being in this condition isn't helpful at all. Sometimes I wonder if it is too much to handle, whether I would just give up entirely.

Well, in one way, yes. In the other, no. My other (public) blog stated that I would be more positive. But this is the reason why.

If you know what I'm talking about, sometimes Songs of Songs 2:7:  

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

, although the verse is stated in the context of the daughters of Jerusalem (women in general), I somehow feel that the same context applies to me as well. If you do not let love (or what is perceived to be love, which is most likely the case), it is better not to awaken that "love" at such  a early state of life. I have God, I have my family, I have my friends, that is all to me.

And to you, yes you, you I have been writing, you who have been the centre subject in almost of all of my blog posts, I'm truly sorry in advance for treating you like that. Don't be afraid that you may have been the cause of my hurt, but in reality it is just me, for it is a war with myself, not you. Because I have not given up yet, I have merely postponed that chase for the sense that it is too early for me yet. From a book I recently read, 

"It is never too late or too soon. It is when it is supposed to be".

That quote rang true and forever more, because I am comforted by the fact that even if you and I eventually do not work out (even if it hasn't begun), you'd have a huge impact on my life, and (maybe) a impact on your life as well, and if God allows things to happen, it will happen. Nothing will cloud me from this fact even as I embark through this journey. You may not be the one that I will always think about, but trust me, I'm still thinking about you, whether you know it or not. Just....wait for me will ya? (:

-Zen

Well.

Technically, in the off-chance you might be still following this blog (and wondering why in the world have I no t updated this blog for so long), I've decided that I would move from a familiar place like Blogger, to something new (Wordpress.)

The posts still stay here, because in the off-chance that the people I would find would eventually use the keyword, out of sheer boredom, curiosity or just plain cheeky.

I don't know. These are still memories, and these memories still remain true and forever more, because I see you at least a lot of times everyday. My feelings have not changed one single bit.

dehfeenition.wordpress.com

P.S. Superfluous luminosity is still the keyphrase.
P.P.S. In the off-off chance that something I can't openly say, I'll just rant it out here. You who has the key to feelings, have your own discretion to reveal the keyphrase to others. The power is in your court.

-Zen

Meanings and titles.

The meaning of the original blog title may have changed, but the word ring true and forever more.

Inevitable that we all grow old, we die, and some of us, to meet the Lord in heaven in all his splendor.
Inevitable that in our life, we often are scared to face the things that we have to go head-on in the end.
Inevitable that one day, I have to tell you how I truly feel, as a man myself.

One might ask, why are we cowards when it comes to truly expressing what we feel?

Is there so much more to lose? Or is it that what we have now is too valuable ever to be risked upon?

One time, you posted this on Twitter (or retweeted it)

"If we wanna have something you never had, you gotta do something you've never done."

The sentence struck me so hard, and I know it's easy typing this anon, with a computer screen instead of your face.
Sometimes I just wanna take the easy way out, to text or even through other people. But I know that in the end I know it won't work out.
Sometimes I wonder whether this feels eating away inside me will ever be fufilled.
Everytime I seek your attention, and it feeds the feels inside me.
But it's like a drug, while it temporarily seals away the pain, it will always be there until something happens, something deep inside my heart that stirs me to take action and finally say what I always wanted to say.

I will be there.
I will be true to my heart.
I've always wanted you through thick and thin, even when the stars collide.
The words in my heart ring true and forever more.

Inevitable.

Today's the 13th of February.

Hopeful hopelessness.

I am writing this in the context that in some way or another, I will open this up and think through it again.

The title represents the way I feel right now.

I always wondered when is the right time.
Right place, right stuff.
This kind of things has its history dated all the way back from primary school, and somehow it still has this pull, this push factor that blocks me, discourages me from doing things.

If you want something you never had, you gotta do something you never done.

Problem is, what?

A clueless hope, clueless hopelessness.

Sorry if I don't make sense. Only if you read in in the context I gave you, them the
truth of my cryptic words will come to you.

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be.

-Zen

Random

The very first time I met you, I wondered if I would ever fall in love with you. Those times we shared, were the best moments yet equally painful.

-Zen

If only.

If only I was brave.

Awkwardier: Part 2

It is Part 2 since after I bathed yesterday...I couldn't resist the urge to sleep. Hahaha.
Anyway, it's 12am in Singapore, and I suppressed my urge to sleep for now, so, let me continue what I wanted to sleep.

Awkwardier.
Not even an actual English word, but I find it really frustrating that my mind always can make a situation super awkward, nothing to do, nothing to see about.
Make certain actions that are not awkward make it so awkward in the mind.

Controlling my heart and my mind is way more tiring when it comes to these matters of the heart sigh.

i don't know about you, but sometimes I wonder if you ever read this
don't follow what the crowd thinks of my likings and assume it as your own
but think with your own heart, own mind
then maybe we will have that mutual feeling
then maybe it was to be.

But if it wasn't, then I have no regrets still.

stillhoping.

theawkwardier

I'm ranting, sorry.